I had to share this because it still is making me laugh weeks later. I mentioned over on Facebook that I need to write a song “50 Ways to Lose Your Scissors,” based off 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover and the resulting lyric suggestions were hysterical. I’ve taken some of them and worked them into a full song:
“The problem isn’t all inside your head”
She said to me
“Finding them ain’t easy even if you
Take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To cut free
There must be 50 ways to lose you scissors”
She said “it’s always been my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning
won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself
at the risk of being crude
There must be 50 ways
to lose your scissors”
Mighta fell out the back, Jack
Dropped ’em in my purse, nurse
They ain’t no toy, Roy
Don’t cut yourself please
Left ’em on the bus, Gus
Don’t need to confess much,
Check under your pants, Lance
Won’t have to pay no fee
Oh, check in the quilt, Milt
Don’t let ’em fall y’all,
Specially on your toes, Joes
Don’t cut yourself, see
Never made it home from retreat, Pete
Go check under that cushioned seat
And cut yourself free
She said “it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I know it hurts stabbing yourself
reaching in the scrap bin again
And last year a pair disappeared into that one hipsters beard
that was weird
there must be 50 ways
to lose your scissors
She said “why don’t we both
Just search all night tonight
And I believe in the morning
You’ll be up working with the light”
And then I found kid ones
And I realized she probably was right
There must be 50 ways
to lose your scissors
Oh
Mighta fell out the back, Jack
Dropped ’em in my purse, nurse
They ain’t no toy, Roy
Don’t cut yourself please
Left ’em on the bus, Gus
Don’t need to confess much,
Check under the box, Cox
Won’t have to pay no fee
Oh, check in the quilt, Milt
Check behind the machine, Jean,
Or under that fab slab
Don’t cut yourself, see
Never made it home from retreat, Pete
Go check under that cushioned seat
And set yourself free
special thanks to Debbie, Teri, Rachel, Rose, Sarah, Teresa, Melissa, and Heather for adding lyrics!
THAT is the funniest thing I’ve read all day! 🙂
Super cute. Thanks for the chuckle.
Very funny! You know, when we were in our early twenties, my husband won a lot of money on a game show because he knew the lyrics to that song. So it still holds a special place in my heart. 🙂 He’ll love your new lyrics.